Anaraphla' Movie Mayhem: Starwars 9 The Rise of Ma Rey Sue

...just yesterday, at a mall close by

Anaraphala’s Movie Mayhem

Episode 1001 : The Rise of Ma Rey Sue

          Jar Jar Abrams, having run out of ideas to end the series brings back Emperor Pruneface from the original movies. Considering they have been keeping Carrie Fisher alive (In a virtual sense) all, this time it should be no surprise at all. Meanwhile, above the Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps nervous watch over Team Banzai’s every move.

          Ok. I admit it. I didn’t see this coming. I would have voted for The Last Jedi being the last movie, but hey who am I kidding. It’s always about making more money. Consider this first dialog between Kylo and Palpatine

          “Hey, you are alive. How did you do it. Antioxidants? Exercise? No, obviously not. I learned everything Precious, I mean, Snoke had to teach.”

          “This is a no Snoking zone, boy. I taught him.”

          “But he’s dead, and you...”

          “I have a greater power”

          “The Dark side of the Force?”

          “No, Disney”

          Next, we have this scene where Rey is giving herself Jedi training. Sure, she had General Mary Poppins to help but we are still wondering how an ordinary girl like Rey got to be such a hotshot. One of those internet Jedi courses, no doubt.

          Rey gets a call from Kylo. They both subscribe to Force Mobile and don’t require a smart phone. You remember from the last movie how this comes with video conferencing, sexting. Old Pruneface wants Kylo to kill Rey, but you get the idea that he has a thing for her and this isn’t going to happen.

          The rebels get a message from someone about Pruneface and all the ships. This time the bad guys don’t need to license AT&T’s logo or spend time on Career Killer Base. Every ship has a planet buster. Talk about overkill.

           The problem is the rebels need a thingie to find where the enemy ships are located. Of course, they need another thingie to find the first thingie. This why the movie is called Star Wars: The Search for the McGuffin.

          Ok, they go to this planet and the group meets Lando Calrissian. (Have to say here that Billy Dee Williams was very hot in Empire Strikes Back. Nice to see him again.)

          Now here is what bothers me about being a Jedi. Kylo and Rey are kind of connected. Kylo dials up Rey on the Psycho Fiends Network and finds out where Rey is at and sends some expendable dudes. That’s cheating. As you will see in this movie, Rae really needs to be able to go somewhere and get a Restraining Order against Wren

          Ok, Rey and the rebels go to this find this dagger with some Sith stuff on it. First though we see Rey heal an animal with force powers. Damn! I think the writing on the dagger says “Caution: Blade Sharp. Do not hold using pointy end.” Even the SITH don’t want to get sued. Anyway, C3PO tells them translating the Sith stuff is against his programming. Well, he does translate it but he insists he was programmed not to be a snitch.

          Rey decides to wait around for her “boyfriend”, resulting in Chewbacca and the Falcon being captured. Rey and Kylo have a little fight and Rey accidently destroys the ship that supposedly has the knife and the wookie on it. At this point, I think Rey and Kylo should just get a room and deal with the fact they have the hots for each other. Too many people are getting hurt because of their romance.

          They go to this planet where Poe meets an old girlfriend. From the looks of her Poe must have brought her chrome polish instead of flowers.

          They find someone who turns C3PO’s eyes red so he could disclose the information. Either that or he was auditioning for a guest spot as a Kaylon on The Orville.

          They find out that Chewy is alive and being held on the bad guy ship. Kylo, who loves spending his anytime minutes, calls Rey and tells her that Pruneface is her grandfather. This has absolutely none of the dramatic impact of Vader’s, “I am your father” scene with Luke

          Well they find the dagger and Chewbacca alive and well. Hux, it turns out, is jealous of all the screentime Kylo gets with Rey and lets the good guys go. Regrettably, doing good things on a bad guy ship is grounds for immediate termination. Hux is fired.

          Rey goes to Endor to find the wayfinder. (Being loyal to George Lucas, the Ewoks refused to be in this movie)  Rey runs into her Future Evil Twin who tries to show Rey the perks of being an evil queen, deliberately leaving out the part of what usually happens to evil queens in Disney movies.

          Kylo of course using his stalker powers finds Rey and attacks her. Leia picks this time to call her son. Kylo is distracted and winds up with severe heartburn. Rey casts Cure VI and saves his life. Confusing? Sure, but it gets worse. Han somehow shows up and convinces Kylo that only the good guys get to do the cool force ghost thing.

          Rey decides she wants out of this movie and goes to where she first met Luke. She tries to get rid of her lightsaber, but Luke shows up and tells her she must defeat Pruneface. Luke hands Rey Leia’s lightsaber because she will need in in the final battle.

 One more thing. We find out that Luke trained Leia in the Force. Now they tell us. If we had known this in the last movie it would have made more sense. I don’t care. I still think the scene in Last Jedi where Leia flies through space looked cheesy.

Then we find out something else. X-wing fighters stored underwater start up just as easily as the jeep in Jurassic World started after setting for 20 years. Rey didn’t even have to change the battery. How convenient.

          Everyone heads to Exxoncal for the final battle.  There was this thing about how the ships couldn’t use their shields until they got into space and they needed to be linked together to do that. Fortunately, Gandalf…I mean Lando shows up with a ton of CGI good guys.

          Meanwhile, Rey goes to confront Pruneface. I was really wanting Rey to come in repeating, “I am Rey, you killed my father, prepare to die.” Unfortunately, this is what Pruneface wants.” He wants to take over Rey’s body. Not only is he an evil Sith lord, he is a stinking perv.

          The room is filled with an immense crowd that just sets there and watches without making a sound. I can only conclude their brains were destroyed from watching too much Fox News.

          Kylo joins Rey. Pruneface sucks, literally. Rey and Kylo collapse and Pruneface stars firing lightning bolts. Rey gets a super boost from all the Jedi. She goes after Pruneface using that extra lightsaber she got from Luke. (Told ya)

          Pruface cries, “I am the Sith”

          Rey replies, “I am the Jedi”

          There was also, “I am the Law”, but that was another movie.

          Rey drains all her HP killing Pruneface and dies, but Kylo now just Ben casts Raise IV on Rey and he dies. You kind of knew Rey was going to survive, didn’t you?

          Rey goes to Luke’s old home and buries Luke’s and Leia’s lightsaber and pulls out her own. A woman asked her what her name is. She says “Rey Skywalker”.  In a scene cut from the movie, Rey is accused of “family appropriation”.