Anaraphla' Movie Mayhem: Starwars 9 The Rise of Ma Rey Sue

...just yesterday, at a mall close by

Anaraphala’s Movie Mayhem

Episode 1001 : The Rise of Ma Rey Sue

          Jar Jar Abrams, having run out of ideas to end the series brings back Emperor Pruneface from the original movies. Considering they have been keeping Carrie Fisher alive (In a virtual sense) all, this time it should be no surprise at all. Meanwhile, above the Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps nervous watch over Team Banzai’s every move.

          Ok. I admit it. I didn’t see this coming. I would have voted for The Last Jedi being the last movie, but hey who am I kidding. It’s always about making more money. Consider this first dialog between Kylo and Palpatine

          “Hey, you are alive. How did you do it. Antioxidants? Exercise? No, obviously not. I learned everything Precious, I mean, Snoke had to teach.”

          “This is a no Snoking zone, boy. I taught him.”

          “But he’s dead, and you...”

          “I have a greater power”

          “The Dark side of the Force?”

          “No, Disney”

          Next, we have this scene where Rey is giving herself Jedi training. Sure, she had General Mary Poppins to help but we are still wondering how an ordinary girl like Rey got to be such a hotshot. One of those internet Jedi courses, no doubt.

          Rey gets a call from Kylo. They both subscribe to Force Mobile and don’t require a smart phone. You remember from the last movie how this comes with video conferencing, sexting. Old Pruneface wants Kylo to kill Rey, but you get the idea that he has a thing for her and this isn’t going to happen.

          The rebels get a message from someone about Pruneface and all the ships. This time the bad guys don’t need to license AT&T’s logo or spend time on Career Killer Base. Every ship has a planet buster. Talk about overkill.

           The problem is the rebels need a thingie to find where the enemy ships are located. Of course, they need another thingie to find the first thingie. This why the movie is called Star Wars: The Search for the McGuffin.

          Ok, they go to this planet and the group meets Lando Calrissian. (Have to say here that Billy Dee Williams was very hot in Empire Strikes Back. Nice to see him again.)

          Now here is what bothers me about being a Jedi. Kylo and Rey are kind of connected. Kylo dials up Rey on the Psycho Fiends Network and finds out where Rey is at and sends some expendable dudes. That’s cheating. As you will see in this movie, Rae really needs to be able to go somewhere and get a Restraining Order against Wren

          Ok, Rey and the rebels go to this find this dagger with some Sith stuff on it. First though we see Rey heal an animal with force powers. Damn! I think the writing on the dagger says “Caution: Blade Sharp. Do not hold using pointy end.” Even the SITH don’t want to get sued. Anyway, C3PO tells them translating the Sith stuff is against his programming. Well, he does translate it but he insists he was programmed not to be a snitch.

          Rey decides to wait around for her “boyfriend”, resulting in Chewbacca and the Falcon being captured. Rey and Kylo have a little fight and Rey accidently destroys the ship that supposedly has the knife and the wookie on it. At this point, I think Rey and Kylo should just get a room and deal with the fact they have the hots for each other. Too many people are getting hurt because of their romance.

          They go to this planet where Poe meets an old girlfriend. From the looks of her Poe must have brought her chrome polish instead of flowers.

          They find someone who turns C3PO’s eyes red so he could disclose the information. Either that or he was auditioning for a guest spot as a Kaylon on The Orville.

          They find out that Chewy is alive and being held on the bad guy ship. Kylo, who loves spending his anytime minutes, calls Rey and tells her that Pruneface is her grandfather. This has absolutely none of the dramatic impact of Vader’s, “I am your father” scene with Luke

          Well they find the dagger and Chewbacca alive and well. Hux, it turns out, is jealous of all the screentime Kylo gets with Rey and lets the good guys go. Regrettably, doing good things on a bad guy ship is grounds for immediate termination. Hux is fired.

          Rey goes to Endor to find the wayfinder. (Being loyal to George Lucas, the Ewoks refused to be in this movie)  Rey runs into her Future Evil Twin who tries to show Rey the perks of being an evil queen, deliberately leaving out the part of what usually happens to evil queens in Disney movies.

          Kylo of course using his stalker powers finds Rey and attacks her. Leia picks this time to call her son. Kylo is distracted and winds up with severe heartburn. Rey casts Cure VI and saves his life. Confusing? Sure, but it gets worse. Han somehow shows up and convinces Kylo that only the good guys get to do the cool force ghost thing.

          Rey decides she wants out of this movie and goes to where she first met Luke. She tries to get rid of her lightsaber, but Luke shows up and tells her she must defeat Pruneface. Luke hands Rey Leia’s lightsaber because she will need in in the final battle.

 One more thing. We find out that Luke trained Leia in the Force. Now they tell us. If we had known this in the last movie it would have made more sense. I don’t care. I still think the scene in Last Jedi where Leia flies through space looked cheesy.

Then we find out something else. X-wing fighters stored underwater start up just as easily as the jeep in Jurassic World started after setting for 20 years. Rey didn’t even have to change the battery. How convenient.

          Everyone heads to Exxoncal for the final battle.  There was this thing about how the ships couldn’t use their shields until they got into space and they needed to be linked together to do that. Fortunately, Gandalf…I mean Lando shows up with a ton of CGI good guys.

          Meanwhile, Rey goes to confront Pruneface. I was really wanting Rey to come in repeating, “I am Rey, you killed my father, prepare to die.” Unfortunately, this is what Pruneface wants.” He wants to take over Rey’s body. Not only is he an evil Sith lord, he is a stinking perv.

          The room is filled with an immense crowd that just sets there and watches without making a sound. I can only conclude their brains were destroyed from watching too much Fox News.

          Kylo joins Rey. Pruneface sucks, literally. Rey and Kylo collapse and Pruneface stars firing lightning bolts. Rey gets a super boost from all the Jedi. She goes after Pruneface using that extra lightsaber she got from Luke. (Told ya)

          Pruface cries, “I am the Sith”

          Rey replies, “I am the Jedi”

          There was also, “I am the Law”, but that was another movie.

          Rey drains all her HP killing Pruneface and dies, but Kylo now just Ben casts Raise IV on Rey and he dies. You kind of knew Rey was going to survive, didn’t you?

          Rey goes to Luke’s old home and buries Luke’s and Leia’s lightsaber and pulls out her own. A woman asked her what her name is. She says “Rey Skywalker”.  In a scene cut from the movie, Rey is accused of “family appropriation”.

         

         

Anaraphla Watches: Men in Black International

You know, I really don't know exactly who thought Men in Black without Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones would be fun, or Chris Hemsworth channeling his character from Ghostbusters 2016 would be a good thing. I would recommend a career in fast food, except I don't want their hands on my Big Mac.

Yes, I enjoyed Tessa Thompson's character, but she simply couldn't carry the entire movie playing off of Hemsworth. Don't see it without a neuralyzer,

Anaraphla's Movie Mayhem: The Avengers : Infinity War

Anaraphla’s Movie Mayhem: The Avengers: Infinity War

 Ok I am not an Einstein, Hawking, or even STTNG’s Reginald Barclay. I am not good in math at all, Its just that you’d think that in a real infinity war the infinities would cancel each other out. In this movie they don’t. Also in the MCU you would also think that Syndrome’s prediction would come true. “When everyone is super, no one will be super.” It doesn’t.

 Also, has anyone noticed Thanos isn’t sitting in his chair like he does in the previous Marvel movies? Isn’t it obvious? Thanos needs a new chair. Let say we chip in get him a nice padded chair, footstool, UHD TV, the sports package on Direct TV and of course a mini-fridge full of his favorite consumables. Problem solved. That would be heaven for most men I know anyway. Oh Thanos needs a puppy too.
 Before we get on with this I would like to make a couple of guesses. Thanos’ favorite author is Thomas Malthus. Also we know Thanos watched at least one episode of the original Star Trek, Conscience of the King. It is about this dude named Kodos the Executioner. Kodos murdered half the population of this planet. I heard Kodos got a lot of fan mail from Thanos. Personally I am more into Chloe the Gay.

 Ok the story is very complexicated. Actually though we could sum up this movie rather easily. Everyone in the MCU (except for the Fantastic Four) shows up and half of the good guys gets killed. This postulates a really weird idea that Thanos may actually be Stan Lee, but this is just a theory.
 The story is about Thanos trying to get all these objects of power for his glove. Sure it looks nice. Its just a lot of work and a zircon would look just as nice. It seems like everyone who tries to stop Thanos does something stupid. They could cut his head off, they don’t. They could cut his glove hand off, they don’t. Strange could send Thanos to Dormamu (This would be great, We could do a remake of The Odd Couple. “Can two super powerful villains live together without driving each other nuts?”  ) or some place.

 Well, Thanos wins and half of everyone in the universe disappears. I have a question. Just what criterion did his glove use to select who lives and who died? Maybe we could have been lucky enough to see the Republican Party disappear. The good news is that Kodos doesn’t have to kill anyone now. Maybe that was what this was about.  The bad news is that Thanos has this  thingy that allows him to reverse time and undo his defeats. Please Mr. Thanos Sir, is there anything I could offer you for to allow Hillary to borrow it for just a little while?

Anaraphala's Movie Mayhem: Pacific Rim Uprising (Feat. GLaDOS)

    Today we have a special guest on Anaraphla’s Movie Mayhem. If you have played the game Portal you know her as the AI antagonist. Since her voice was used in the movie, I invited her here as co-commentator.  Welcome GLaDOS

    GlaDOS: Don’t believe it. I am not a guest. I am here because I was sentenced to community service

    Jake Pentecost (Not Jake from State Farm) is the son of Stacker Pentecost from the previous movie. He makes a living recycling old movie plot elements.

    GlaDOS: I looked it up. Penetecost is Biblical. Does this mean this movie doesn't have a prayer?

    Jake is with some bad dudes who want an old Jaeger core. What they want with it is unclear. A teenage girl named Amara has taken the core and used it to build her own Jaeger.

    GlaDOS: Forgive me again for the interruption, but this girl reminds me of someone. I think her name was Amarey Sue I wonder how good  Amara is with a light saber.
    Both Jake and Amara are arrested and are sentenced to appear in the rest of this movie. Jake is reunited with his former drift partner and Amara is sent to Jaeger training along side some standard trope characters, obviously taken from a high school sitcom. Vik, the queen bee trope,  calls out Amara for ,I don’t know, reasons.

    Amara is having trouble with her drift compatability. I would have trouble too if I didn’t get so much as dinner and a movie first.

    Representatives of the Shao Corporation visit. They want to deploy several drone Jaegers all over the world. Mako Mori doesn’t trust the drone program. She feels that it would be easy to hack the drones.

    GlaDOS: I wonder how easy it would be. Why don’t we ask Equifax, Target, and Sony Pictures. 
    Newt from the previous movie is back and working for Shao. In the previous movie Newt was sort of a character from the Stargate SG-1 series. A screw up named Felger. In this sequel Newt isn't as intelligent . He has been having nightmares from his unprotected Kaiju sex. Come to think of we were having nightmares of it too.


    Gipsy Avenger is deployed and meets up with a super Jaeger called Obsidian Order, I think, starts tearing things up. Mako is killed when her chopper is knocked out of the sky. She is happy she won’t be back for any sequels. She may have to endure a cameo.

GLaDOS: Do you want to know what would happen if you drifted with me? You might get a brain. Maybe not. Your species doesn't qualify for an upgrade.


    Later Amara tries to comfort Jake and they drift with the obligatory childhood trauma trope. I think she was traumatized when her father voted for Reagan, or was it Bush? I don’t know, shouldn’t there be laws about an adult drifting with a minor?

    Speaking of bizzare sexual metaphors. Newt finds out the drones are about to be deployed and goes home to Alice and drifts with her. Unfortunately, Alice is Kaiju brain. I am sure you can see from this why abstinence only sexual education is a really bad idea. Children should at least be taught to only choose sexual partners from their own species.

    Vik has a fight and is beaten by Amara. A little later we have the Pacific Rim version of what in cop movies is called the “suspension aprehension rule” Amara is booted out of the program for something but will of course be reinstated by the final scene,

    The drones are activated, and before you can say “resistance is futile” they are hacked by Newt to open the fissure and let the Kaiju out. The drones are deactivated and the rift is sealed. One Kaiju heads to Mt. Fuji and threatens to explode the entire pacific rim (ROLL CREDITS!).  Jake and Amara of course save the day/

    GlaDOS, do you have any last words for our viewers?

    GlaDOS: No, but I would love to hear your last words.

Anaraphala's Movie Mayhem: The Last Jedi

Anaraphala’s Movie Mayhem: Star Wars: The Last Jedi*
(* Uh huh )
                                                                           .
 Hey guys, Anaraphla here with The Last Jedi, well it’s the last one until Lucasfilm/Disney determines if they can get us to pay to see another movie. You kind of get the idea that this is going to be like the Final Fantasy series, that hasn’t been final yet.

 Ok. Apparently the Disorder has inexplicably survived the previous movie. I mean, Capt. Phasma ran out of chrome polish and the whole place blew up because putting a sun inside a planet just wasn’t smart to begin with. Messing with a sun didn’t work very well in Star Trek: Generations, did it?

 So the bad guys show up. Poe Damron has this crazy plan to blow up this big enemy ship. Poe tries to have a conversation with General Hux as a distraction. Hux has eloquence of Donald Trump or Kim Jong Un, while Poe obviously wants someone intelligent to talk to.

 A bomber tries to drop its bombs on the enemy ship. Of course stuff goes wrong and although the enemy destroyer is blown up, the bomber along with the pilot is destroyed as well. Poe is later demoted for wasting the pyrotechnics budget of the movie. The remaining Resistance ships escape into hyperspace.

  On the Back Order ship, Snoke decides to mop the floor with General Hux. Well, the floor was dirty. Dr. Evil then tells Scott that he is not evil enough to be his son, and tells him his Vader helmet isn’t licenced, and is stupid. Kylo has another tantrum, but only destroys the helmet. You will remember after his last tantrum the only reason Disney didn’t send Kylo a bill for the damages was that the place was to be blown up anyway.

 Now we are on the planet where the last movie ends. Luke totally ruins the dramatic mood  by tossing the lightsaber over his shoulder. Luke has a tantrum over his part in this movie and locks himself in his room. However, Chewie is good at opening doors.

 I have to mention here (in case you forgot) this is a Disney movie. There are these cutesy wide-eyed ferret things called Porg (not Borg, thank goodness). Shameless merchandising? Of course.  What I haven’t  figured out is how Disney allowed these not-so-cute animals with several exposed mamaries that dispense some kind of green milk. Come on, pressurized nipples?

 Well it seems the Out of Order can track the Resistance through hyperspace. (This was actually foreshadowed in Star Trek by the phrase “Resistance is Futile”)
However, the bad dudes don’t get so close they could end the movie. Why not? Reasons.  Kylo in a TIE fighter targets the ship his mother Leia is on, but decides not to fire. Some else does however and Leia is blown into space.

 It is here composer John Williams switches to his Superman theme, and Leia yells "I'm Mary Poppins Y'all and Yondus her way to safety. Yes, I know Leia can use the Force.  She picked a great time to go from force neophyte to Yoda level mastery, but why hasn’t she used her powers before?  If you think I was going to let this slide, you don’t know me very well.

 Back on the planet Ahchoo (Its Ahch-To, but you know) Rey starts to feel a connection to Kylo. She even gets to see him with without his shirt. I don't know. Maybe Kylo would have a chance with Rey if he wasn't a Sith.  R2D2 uses some recycled footage from A New Hope to convince Luke to help
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 On the ship Admiral Holdover (Laura Dern) takes over while Leia takes a nap. Dern looks like she had a really bad hair color experience, but I have seen worse. Finn decided this would be a good time to test an escape pod. A woman named Rose decided to test her taser and bring Finn back to the movie. (If I have to do this movie, you have to do it) Together they come up with a convoluted plan to get on the Previous Order ship and turn off the tracking device.

 After lamenting his acting career, Luke starts to train Rey. He has her close her eyes and asks her if she can feel the force, She says she does. Luke is tickling her with a branch. Luke then tells Rey that this is the only planet where this would not be considered sexual harassment by the authorities. Later Rey drops down into this room she feels the Dark Side. She wants to know who she is, but instead of answer she finds herself in a place that looks like the faction test from Divergent.

 Finn, Rose and BB8 arrive at this place that looks like some of the Las Vegas scenes from CSI. They are looking for a code breaker. They are thrown in jail for littering but escapes with the help of a dude who says he can breaks codes. (Am I the only one who wonders why this dude is in jail if he could escape)

 Dern starts to move everyone into shuttles for evacuation. Poe thinks this is a stupid idea and tries to take command. Leia is back and stops Poe. He then finds out everyone is heading to a secret base.

Poe: Nevermind
Leia: Stupid, we had a plan.
Poe: I didn’t know.
Holdover: Thats what you get for missing staff meetings.
Poe: I wasn’t invited.
Holdover: Precisely.

 Back on Achoo, Rey leaves on the Falcon. (Warning: librarians may be upset by this next scene) Luke is upset with his acting career and decides to burn the tree containing the Jedi books. Yoda appears and tells Luke the books are out of date and everything Rey needs can be found on the Internet, Yoda then destroys the tree with a lightening bolt.

 Rey finally faces Kylo (with his shirt on) and appears before Snoke. We are sort of doing the similar scene from Return of the Jedi. Snoke tells Rey she is a filthy  Mudblood and Kylo kills Snoke.. They both kill the guards. Wearing red is no safer on Star Wars than Star Trek.

 Finn and Rose are predictably betrayed by the theif. Next time you need a hacker, be sure they are white hat. With the main ship evacuated, Dern, redoing one of the last scenes from Prometheus,  engages main drive and flies through the Lost Order ship. Rey escapes and BB8 earns -10 Cinemasins for extreme badassery
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 On the planet, the Resistance prepares for an assault by the remaining bad guys. Finn and Rose try to take out this cannon by flying into it. Rose stops Finn from sacrificing his life. She says we should fight to save the ones we love. Sorry about the rest of you losers. Really though its just a “will she survive?” setup.

 So Luke faces Kylo using a Force hologram. He dies, thankful there will be no more movies for him. Rey saves everyone with the Falcon and on the Las Vagas planet a young boy talks about the kool ring he got from the Cracker Jacks box. 

Anaraphala's Movie Mayhem Thor Ragnarok

Anaraphla’s Movie Mayhem: Thor Ragnarok.

    Ok kiddies I have to make a little disclaimer here. Ragnarok isn’t a Jim Henson production. Thats Fraggle Rock, something totally different, although you might actually use the same theme  music by changing the words. Lets see, “Give your life away, living for another day, let destruction play, down at Ragnarok” Ok its better with the music.

    When the movie starts, Thor is talking about where he is going, and what he is doing in this handbasket. Its true. Thor is fighting this fire monster who wants to start Ragnarok. (No, Ragnarok is not the opening act for Led Zeppelin) Thor defeats the monster and takes its horn back to Asgard, where the only thing that can bring back the monster just happens to be. Clearly this should be a violation of the Asgard hazmat safety code, but it isn’t.

    Meanwhile Odin, Thor’s dad is watching a play dedicated to Loki, Thor’s brother. Thor may be powerful, but he has a somewhat poor taste in women and he is the only sentient being in the universe who didn’t  realize from the end of the previous movie that Loki is not dead and has disguised himself as Odin.

    Thor and Loki have to go look for Odin. Along the way they receive a Strange message. Of course, this movie needed a Benedict Cumberbatch cameo. Strange told the pair that Odin was in Norway and opened a portal for them, allowing Thor and Loki to bypass the *%#@# TSA checkpoint.

    Odin wanted to do a Luke Skywalker pose, so we find him standing next to a cliff. Was he just standing there, waiting for Thor and Loki to show up like Luke was obviously just waiting for Rae? Odin tells them a bunch of stuff they will need to remember to move the plot along later. Then Odin lays one Hella surprise on them. You have a sister. She is hella wicked, hella powerful,and not bad looking actually, but the antlers would be too much for most people. (This probably wasn’t as much of a shock as Mr. Spock had when he found out he had an evil sister named Michael)

    Hella breaks Thor’s hammer. You just cannot get one at Home Depot you know.(You can imagine what would happen if they had a hammer like this on Home Improvement) Hella goes back to Asgard and uses her powers to take over everything. Heimdal tries to save the innocent civilians.

    This dude named Skurge joins Hella and pulls out these guns he bought in Texas. No doubt they were for hunting and self-defense. You never know when you are going to need military grade weapons to defend your home from a squirrel attack.  No waiting or background check. Just show your NRA card.
   
          Thor and Loki take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and wind up on a trashy planet full of overused script memes. They meet this hot woman who is an Asguardian who now works for the Grandmaster (played by Jeff Goldblum) when she isn’t drinking. I would really hate to wind up paying her bar tab.

    Thor is forced to fight the Hulk. Thor almost wins but Goldblum  paralyzes Thor with scenes from his old movies. Eventually, Thor, Loki, Hulk, and the woman head back to Asguard. They have to go through something called the Devil’s Anus. It is not as bad as it sounds. I can think of worse places to go through. I can’t mention them however.

    The big fight begins and Odin tells Thor he doesn’t need the hammer. Thor lets out a big blast of lightening at Hella. It doesn’t work. The memory of Odin, obviously embarrassed that Thor couldn’t do the job tells him they don’t need Asgard. Odin’s memory is obviously 0 for 2 in the advice department, Fortunately, Thor remembers the plot element sitting in the dungeon and revives the monster

    Everyone watches from the space ship while Asgard and hopefully Hella is being destroyed. The movie ends with an alien channeling Chris Elliot  from Groundhog Day.

“Uh it could be ok. We could rebuild it”
CRASH BOOM
“No, probably not now”

   
   

Why "The Orville" is more Star Trek than Star Trek

Opening question, what scifi show had Robert Picardo and was directed by Brannon Braga? If you say ST Voyager, - 5 points for you. The correct answer: The Orville :ep. Firestorm.

Ok The Orville is a somewhat cheesy comedy by Seth McFarland of Family Guy fame. However the show has hit the ground running with the kind of social commentary that Trek is famous for, and unlike the new "Star Trek Degeneracy", isn't about how evil you can make the "protagonists". This probably has something to do with the contributions by Brannan Braga, Jonathan Frakes, Patrick Stewart, and Robert Picardo, not to mention Penny Johnson as Dr. Finn. Considering the former Trek actors almost unanimous dislike of Discovery and CBS, I am happy they have come out to help The Orville become a success. Even the Kril, the adversaries of the Planetary Union resemble Deep Space Nine's Jem Hadar.

I admit it. Practically no one on this show shows any indication they have received any sort of  training. Capt, Ed Mercer (Seth McFarland) is always snipping at his first officer, who happens to be his ex-wife. Bortus, from a planet without female, has to endure the protests of his mate, who complains spends too much time doing his job. The is also this green blob, voiced by Norm McDonald, who is always trying to attract Dr. Finn.

My favorite character is Security Chief:  Lt. Alara Katan (Halston Sage). She is from a planet with extremely high gravity, which gives her tremendous strength. Trouble is, this is why she was fast-tracked into her position. She is very insecure. In the second episode Alara is placed in command of the Orville when Ed and Kelly go on what they think is a simple trip to rescue some refugees. Alara is terrified, and when Ed and Kelly are captured and wind up in an interplanetary zoo, Alara must either obey orders to return to earth or disobey and find a way to save the captain. Bortus is unavailable as he is tending his egg.

For a comedy, the Orville does an incredibly excellent record of examining social issues, just like that other show. There was an episode about transgender issues, religious fanaticism and terrorism (from a comedy show? Yes they actually pull it off), and an episode taken from taken from Netflix's "Black Mirror. There is also an episode where the show does a "holideck" episode the way Trek should have done them. Much better than Voyager's "Extreme Risk".

"Would you open this pickle jar for me"