Transcendant

Transcendence

Most movies about computers are of course variants of the Frankenstein theme. Build an intelligent machine and the first thing it wants to do is rule the world. I am not sure why really. You’d think a really smart computer would know how stupid that idea really is.  HAL wasn’t really bad. He didn’t start to malfunction until Dave Bowman insisted upon watching reruns of Mork and Mindy. Skynet probably wouldn’t have gone ballistic if Captain Kirk hadn’t destroyed all those god computers.

Transcendence presumes to be about something, although I cannot be sure of what. The movie starts at the end. Many stories are told via flashback but this actually is the end. Its like windows where you use the START button to stop it. Here, you STOP the movie to start it. Actually, the producers thought an end would be enough, but then they realized they needed a story to go with it.

Will Caster( Not to be confused with Bill Castor, heir to the fabulous Castor Oil fortune) is played by Johnny Depp. As the movie starts, we see Depp trying to explain to a crowd of people why Ashton Kutcher beat him out to play Steve Jobs. What isn’t mentioned is that Depp thought Jobs was a sort of pirate, so he showed up to his audition dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow. Bad move

A terrorist from a group named Rift shoots Depp.  Later we learn from Hodges from CSI that the bullet was radioactive and that Depp has an appointment with Doc Robbins in the morgue very soon No one is concerned with this group blowing up buildings, killing people or even having radioactive material. I suppose the big question for the Feds is why RIFT named themselves after a little-known MMORPG, The Feds lost every bit of credibility after Efram Zimbalist Jr. left the FBI.

Before he dies, Depp’s consciousness is uploaded to the Web. I am sure you could see the potential danger here. Edward Sissorhands could start playing from every TV screen in the world 24/7 or a certain pedophile chocolate maker would be talking to your children in social  chat rooms( ok… yes…another pedophile chocolate maker). This didn’t happen. Depp just took some of his pirate booty and built a giant Radio Shack in the middle of nowhere.

Even though we expected the government to get upset about this, they didn‘t at first . Depp sent the Feds the location of every member of RIFT and the morons still couldn’t nab the original lame terrorists. Depp’s friends are real winners too. All it took was a stern look from one of the RIFT idiots and suddenly they turned against Depp. Morgan Freeman even put on his alien suit he wore in Oblivion and started to build a drone to attack Depp’s place. His wife complained they were no longer an “effective team”.

Two years later,  Depp broke free from his porn addiction he blows another year in Skyrim Online and Hello Kitty Online Adventures. So what was everyone complaining about? Was it the 6-year tax abatement Depp got or was it that none of his employees signed up for Obamacare? I don’t know.  I am guessing that everyone turned against Depp because the script said they were supposed to.

Depp finally reveals his secret plan. He is going to heal people. Of course he turned a few people into Borg drones (sans laser eyepiece) but that wasn‘t so bad. . The FBI dude, without any legal authority joined with the terrorists (you mean he could have arrested them any time?) to use the anti computer virus in the wife trick, and taking down the internet in the process.  Why didn’t they just get William Shatner to have a “talk “ with Depp.

So we are back at the start. No phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury, just a screenplay as primitive as can be.

7 Fun things to do during The Purge

1. Download, Download, Download

2. Run through streets yelling "Festival, Festival" (for Trekkers only)

3. Hack into government websites deleting all the information they have on you.

4. Put all politicians on the government's "Do not fly" and "Suspicious individual's" list

5. Rip all the "do not remove" tags off your pillows.

6. Replace your "low flow" toilet with a old fashioned standard toilet

7. Post a blog entry explaining why "Sharknado" is more plausible than either of the 2 Purge movies.

Regurgant (Movie Parody)

Where are the flying cars? This is the future. We should have flying cars, not a ton of movies about a dystopian futures where even the script can’t get off the ground.

Here we have a movie that steals from The Hunger Games, Ender’s Game, Game of Thorns, and even The Dating game (I‘d be surprised if Hello Kitty isn’t  in there somewhere  too), all mixed together in a way that will make you


                Regurgent



It started after the big war between somebody and somebody and maybe even somebody else over something and something.  The “children’s” books about a dystopian future to teach life sux were written. The Hungry Games world got some of the action. Queesyium of course got California. We took Chicago because it was all the movie budget would permit. We could have had Detroit or Cleveland cheaper  but we weren’t that desperate.

Society is divided into five groups (the good news, no Democrats or Republicans), why I don’t know. Abrogast apparently were former tennis players. They like to serve. Kandus like to watch Court Tv (or was that playing Rock em Sock em Robots), Vomity are the peace makers, Eurotrash, are smart, and Dumbness are our protectors. Who thought up this crap or why the opening exposition has to be so long I cannot say.

Before the selection came the test. Apparently I didn’t get enough time to study for it.

Torid: Ok drink this stuff
Trix: What is it?
Torid: it’s a drug that gives you a vision that is the test. I can watch it on this screen.
Trix: You going to watch me get stoned. Woah
Torid; No this helps you select which faction you will join
Trix: Really. You mean it’s like a Sorting Hat?
Torrid: Yes but you won’t wind up in  Griffindor.
Trix: Dang, I have a thing for Ron Weasley
Torrid: I have a thing for Hermione  Oh no. That means you are Regurgant. Don’t ever tell anyone
Trix: Why not?
Torrid: Don’t ask
Trix: Why not?
Torrid: I wish I knew

Meannie Batyou: Hello and welcome to this year’s Hunger Ga.. Uh Selection. Due to a recent snafu I must remind candidates once again that Griffondor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff factions will not be available. Also, even though I am a generic cut-and-paste Mega bi$#h character, please don’t refer to me as the Evil Queen, or Maleficent. Even I wouldn’t mess with Disney. Once again Vomity wishes to remind prospective candidates that they aren’t the Vomity with Sherrif Brody and the shark,

To save time will Trix Buyer please select

Trix: I choose Dumbness

Statler: Like the movie audience did when they bought a ticket to this bomb
Waldorf: Yes
Both; BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAHHHHHHH

Trix so why is this group called Dumbness?
Earache: Ok everybody jump off this moving train and down the rabbit hole,
Trix: You didn’t answer my question
Earache: Yes I did. That’s 10 points for Slytherin

Bore: Ok I am your instructor
Trix: What is the point?
Bore: Of  your training?
Trix: No this movie

Earache: Since you were your drill thrall beat you up and hospitalized you cannot play the game
Trix: What game? Global Thermonuclear War?
Earache: No that’s too wimpy for us.
Bore: She did make it here
Earache: Ok choose a weapon
Trix: Ill take the clown mask.
Earche: That’s not a weapon
Trix: This isn’t a movie.

Bore: You did great. Congratulations you’re in. Now you will take a test to face your worst fear
Trix: American Idol?

Bore: Here you go

Trix: This is my worst fear? Alfred Hitchcock movies? I admit this movie is for the birds but.. Now I am in a tank filling up with water,
Bore: How did you do that? Wait you’re Regurgant. You must lean to do it like a Dumbness
Trix: How would that be?
Bore: As stupidly as possible

Carob: What are you doing here?
Trix: I come to see my brother. What’s wrong with that? Besides, something strange is going on.
Carob: How can you tell?
Trix: The Eurotrash are planning to kill the Abrogast and take over the government
Carob: What else, same old routine.

Putter: We are going to like totally gonna kill you
Trix: Why?
Owl: Well, because you did so well in the exercise
Droog: Yes like no good deed goes unpunished
Bore: You will not kill her?
Putter: Why not
Bore: We need her for the rest of the movie, stupid
Owl: I forgot

Bore: Come I will show you my fears
Trix: You can like do that? Wouldn’t a Vulcan Mind Meld make more sense?
Bore: Stop that. You’re thinking like a Regugent again.


Trix: Ok Eurotrash are using mind control to make Dumbness kill Abrogast. We have to act like we are under control.
Bore: We are. We are controlled by this ^%$% script
Earache: GET THEM. THEY’RE REGURGANT
Bore: No we’re not, uh we’re just written this way.

Meanie: Well we finally have Bore under control
Bore: I must kill Trix
Meanie: See, have a nice day.
Trix: But we love each other,
Bore: I must kill Trix
Trix: Sorry but I have to use your secret fear against you. READ THE SCRIPT
Bore: NOOOO it’s the result of bad writing. Whoever did this screenplay should be shot.

Trix: And now your turn, Meanie. You will stop the mind control program and delete it,
Meannie: You think your some kind of Jedi?
Trix: Yes. Why not? Haven’t we stolen from a bunch of other movies?

Meannie: Do you know what you’ve done?
Trix: I’ve kept you from taking over the world.
Meannie: No, the audience. Without the mind control the audience will know how awful this movie is and leave.

We jumped back onto the train, mainly because we don’t know where the station is. As the sun leaves Dumbness and our train sinks slowly in the West there is one thought on our minds, “Whats that about a new Harry Potter story? Can we get part in the inevitable movie instead of the sequel of this turkey?











  

Prometheus Redux

Disclaimer:  We wish to state for the record that this movie has absolutely no connection with the classic mythological entity of the same name . Also, we apologies for any embarrassment that this movie may have caused Mr. Prometheus or his family.
    I have no idea why Ridley Scott made this movie. I am not sure Scott did either. This is not suppose to be a prequel to Alien. Of course there are those who believe this was intended as a prequel to Dumb and Dumber.

    Ok, the idea that our creator is an E.T. is sort of provocative, even if it is something in desperate need of a tan. The movie starts with an alien ship, borrowed from Independence Day, hovering over a place that looks like a certain waterfall scene from Naboo. That’s OK because this alien guy is obviously not Will Smith or Hayden Christiansen. He drinks some green Kool Aid and promptly disintegrates (cut to visual  from X-men opening title showing DNA stuff. Good idea, maybe we should watch the X-men  instead)  Scott then makes a note that the actor won’t be attending the cast party after the filming is over.

    Next we see a pair of scientists exploring a cave. Obviously if the guy had looked like  Harrison Ford, he would have sprung a lethal deathtrap and they would have barely escaped with their lives, maybe, This would have ended the movie because no one in this movie is any where near as smart as Indy . Instead, they find a picture of an alien pointing to 5 pizzas. This is historically significant as it is one of the first prehistoric attempts at Pizza Hut product placement. Still they think its an invitation to come and visit, assuming they actually had enough information to know where to go.

    The scene shifts to the Prometheus. The Weyland Corp. has spent over a gazillion dollars to send a bunch of morons into space to “meet their maker”. As you will see later, these morons could have easily “met their maker“ staying on  Earth. We know right off that being a Star Trek “red shirt” is safer than going on this cruise. Yet the level of stupidity is evidenced by the fact that everyone is willing to do this simply because Dr, Shaw (Noomi Rapce) “chooses to believe” that the cave painting is was invitation from the aliens to visit them. Sound scientific protocol, NOT

    Everyone sleeps through the trip except David, the artificial life form. (Sleeping through the entire movie is recommended). We tried to get the kid from the movie A.I. , but he was unwilling to become involved in this mess.  Of course David was not programmed with Asimov’s “Three Laws” as that would have made it impossible for him to appear in this movie to assist others to meet their maker. Also, allowing this movie to be made and the resulting harm to the viewers would be considered a “First Law” violation as well.

    To say the characters in this movie were “asking for it” is an understatement. They were begging for it. Oh sure, never take a defensive weapon or a security team when you explore an alien planet. You don’t want to offend your hosts, whom you know nothing about.  I am not usually in favor of  mandatory helmet laws, but these dummies need them. Unknown to the viewers, when Hollowhead took off his helmet a nearby colony of a lethal virus became sentient just long enough to laugh itself to death.

    We actually learn a bunch of fun things from this movie like, mapmakers with sophisticated mapping equipment get lost as just as easily as anyone else, untamed alien whatchmacalits don’t make good house pets, no matter how much you try to pet them and tell them how "good"  they are,  giving alien heads ECT is not a good idea,  shagging the boss while everyone else is on a mission is stupid, but at least its fun , and my favorite,   a woman can immediately recover from a C-section if she is sutured using a staple gun from Home Depot.

    Needless to say there is plenty of stupid to go around in this movie. In what shall forever be enshrined as The Prometheus School of Running Away From Things,Vickers, the boss, dies from a terminal case of “Lateral Sclerosis”. This is a disease common in movies. It is noted by the atrophy of that part of the brain that would allow someone to evade a falling object by running perpendicular to the direction the object is falling. This disease is also responsible for the behavior of characters in “dead teenager movie” who inexplicably run towards the danger instead of away. The only reason Shaw escapes the falling ship is that a cramp causes her to roll sideways at the last moment.

Please someone stop Mr. Scott before he directs again.