Transcendant

Transcendence

Most movies about computers are of course variants of the Frankenstein theme. Build an intelligent machine and the first thing it wants to do is rule the world. I am not sure why really. You’d think a really smart computer would know how stupid that idea really is.  HAL wasn’t really bad. He didn’t start to malfunction until Dave Bowman insisted upon watching reruns of Mork and Mindy. Skynet probably wouldn’t have gone ballistic if Captain Kirk hadn’t destroyed all those god computers.

Transcendence presumes to be about something, although I cannot be sure of what. The movie starts at the end. Many stories are told via flashback but this actually is the end. Its like windows where you use the START button to stop it. Here, you STOP the movie to start it. Actually, the producers thought an end would be enough, but then they realized they needed a story to go with it.

Will Caster( Not to be confused with Bill Castor, heir to the fabulous Castor Oil fortune) is played by Johnny Depp. As the movie starts, we see Depp trying to explain to a crowd of people why Ashton Kutcher beat him out to play Steve Jobs. What isn’t mentioned is that Depp thought Jobs was a sort of pirate, so he showed up to his audition dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow. Bad move

A terrorist from a group named Rift shoots Depp.  Later we learn from Hodges from CSI that the bullet was radioactive and that Depp has an appointment with Doc Robbins in the morgue very soon No one is concerned with this group blowing up buildings, killing people or even having radioactive material. I suppose the big question for the Feds is why RIFT named themselves after a little-known MMORPG, The Feds lost every bit of credibility after Efram Zimbalist Jr. left the FBI.

Before he dies, Depp’s consciousness is uploaded to the Web. I am sure you could see the potential danger here. Edward Sissorhands could start playing from every TV screen in the world 24/7 or a certain pedophile chocolate maker would be talking to your children in social  chat rooms( ok… yes…another pedophile chocolate maker). This didn’t happen. Depp just took some of his pirate booty and built a giant Radio Shack in the middle of nowhere.

Even though we expected the government to get upset about this, they didn‘t at first . Depp sent the Feds the location of every member of RIFT and the morons still couldn’t nab the original lame terrorists. Depp’s friends are real winners too. All it took was a stern look from one of the RIFT idiots and suddenly they turned against Depp. Morgan Freeman even put on his alien suit he wore in Oblivion and started to build a drone to attack Depp’s place. His wife complained they were no longer an “effective team”.

Two years later,  Depp broke free from his porn addiction he blows another year in Skyrim Online and Hello Kitty Online Adventures. So what was everyone complaining about? Was it the 6-year tax abatement Depp got or was it that none of his employees signed up for Obamacare? I don’t know.  I am guessing that everyone turned against Depp because the script said they were supposed to.

Depp finally reveals his secret plan. He is going to heal people. Of course he turned a few people into Borg drones (sans laser eyepiece) but that wasn‘t so bad. . The FBI dude, without any legal authority joined with the terrorists (you mean he could have arrested them any time?) to use the anti computer virus in the wife trick, and taking down the internet in the process.  Why didn’t they just get William Shatner to have a “talk “ with Depp.

So we are back at the start. No phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury, just a screenplay as primitive as can be.