Prometheus Redux

Disclaimer:  We wish to state for the record that this movie has absolutely no connection with the classic mythological entity of the same name . Also, we apologies for any embarrassment that this movie may have caused Mr. Prometheus or his family.
    I have no idea why Ridley Scott made this movie. I am not sure Scott did either. This is not suppose to be a prequel to Alien. Of course there are those who believe this was intended as a prequel to Dumb and Dumber.

    Ok, the idea that our creator is an E.T. is sort of provocative, even if it is something in desperate need of a tan. The movie starts with an alien ship, borrowed from Independence Day, hovering over a place that looks like a certain waterfall scene from Naboo. That’s OK because this alien guy is obviously not Will Smith or Hayden Christiansen. He drinks some green Kool Aid and promptly disintegrates (cut to visual  from X-men opening title showing DNA stuff. Good idea, maybe we should watch the X-men  instead)  Scott then makes a note that the actor won’t be attending the cast party after the filming is over.

    Next we see a pair of scientists exploring a cave. Obviously if the guy had looked like  Harrison Ford, he would have sprung a lethal deathtrap and they would have barely escaped with their lives, maybe, This would have ended the movie because no one in this movie is any where near as smart as Indy . Instead, they find a picture of an alien pointing to 5 pizzas. This is historically significant as it is one of the first prehistoric attempts at Pizza Hut product placement. Still they think its an invitation to come and visit, assuming they actually had enough information to know where to go.

    The scene shifts to the Prometheus. The Weyland Corp. has spent over a gazillion dollars to send a bunch of morons into space to “meet their maker”. As you will see later, these morons could have easily “met their maker“ staying on  Earth. We know right off that being a Star Trek “red shirt” is safer than going on this cruise. Yet the level of stupidity is evidenced by the fact that everyone is willing to do this simply because Dr, Shaw (Noomi Rapce) “chooses to believe” that the cave painting is was invitation from the aliens to visit them. Sound scientific protocol, NOT

    Everyone sleeps through the trip except David, the artificial life form. (Sleeping through the entire movie is recommended). We tried to get the kid from the movie A.I. , but he was unwilling to become involved in this mess.  Of course David was not programmed with Asimov’s “Three Laws” as that would have made it impossible for him to appear in this movie to assist others to meet their maker. Also, allowing this movie to be made and the resulting harm to the viewers would be considered a “First Law” violation as well.

    To say the characters in this movie were “asking for it” is an understatement. They were begging for it. Oh sure, never take a defensive weapon or a security team when you explore an alien planet. You don’t want to offend your hosts, whom you know nothing about.  I am not usually in favor of  mandatory helmet laws, but these dummies need them. Unknown to the viewers, when Hollowhead took off his helmet a nearby colony of a lethal virus became sentient just long enough to laugh itself to death.

    We actually learn a bunch of fun things from this movie like, mapmakers with sophisticated mapping equipment get lost as just as easily as anyone else, untamed alien whatchmacalits don’t make good house pets, no matter how much you try to pet them and tell them how "good"  they are,  giving alien heads ECT is not a good idea,  shagging the boss while everyone else is on a mission is stupid, but at least its fun , and my favorite,   a woman can immediately recover from a C-section if she is sutured using a staple gun from Home Depot.

    Needless to say there is plenty of stupid to go around in this movie. In what shall forever be enshrined as The Prometheus School of Running Away From Things,Vickers, the boss, dies from a terminal case of “Lateral Sclerosis”. This is a disease common in movies. It is noted by the atrophy of that part of the brain that would allow someone to evade a falling object by running perpendicular to the direction the object is falling. This disease is also responsible for the behavior of characters in “dead teenager movie” who inexplicably run towards the danger instead of away. The only reason Shaw escapes the falling ship is that a cramp causes her to roll sideways at the last moment.

Please someone stop Mr. Scott before he directs again.