Not Deceitful Trailers: Star Trek Beyond
Welcome to the Star Trek Reboot movie that Cinemasins and Honest Trailers has not got around to, even though HISHE has.
Star Trek Beyond
Welcome to the movie where James Tiberius Kirk faces, the rock trolls from the movie Frozen? See the USS Enterprise where everyone is shagging everyone else, except for Capt. Kirk. Hey, what is going on here? Watch as Spock make sure his girlfriend has a necklace that she will need later on for Spock to locate her and save the crew.
When the Enterprise is sent into a nearby nebula to rescue a ship and its crew, the big E is attacked and destroyed by aliens recycled from a third season Voyager episode. Meet Krall, a nasty gearhead who likes to disintegrate people for fun and profit.
Watch as Scotty meets Jayla, an alien who just happens to live in a house that can do warp 4, if they can get the stupid thing to fly before it crashes. See Kirk dazzle Krall by showing off his skill, on a 21 century motorcycle? Marvel as the crew destroy the swarm ships the exact same way the Martians were defeated in Mars Attacks .
Staring:
Captain Motocross
Pointy eared Stalker
Ordinary White Girl
Krall and Unsual
I was Dumbledored
Starbase M.C. Esher
Necklace Ex Machina
Come on Bones. If you’re such a Nervous Nellie, what are you doing on the Enterprise?
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Where Gnome Anne Has Gone Before: Star Trek Beyoned movie sins
1. Attack by discount troll rocks
2. Episodic movie series seems episodic.
3. Closet full of the same shirt cliché.
4. Everyone gets a lapdance except Kirk. and me.
5. Starbase M. C. Escher
6. Sulu Dumbledored into being gay.
7. George Takei says Sulu would never marry an insurance salesman.
8. Uhura and Spock break up for no other reason than to set up later scene
10. Kirk and Spock have something to tell each other that neither can talk about
11. Microsoft Universal Translator. Much easier to use Siri
12. Only ship available for the task cliché.
13. (-1 sin) Swarm ship idea done better than Voyager episode The Swarm
14 Starship Ex Machina
15. (-1 sin) Spock finally learns to use "colorful metaphors"
16. Spock tracks Uhura's radioactive necklace
17. Radioactive necklace.
18. (-1 sin) Badass motorcycle stunts.
19. Using music to destroy swarm.
20. This is a very poorly designed take-off
Total Sins = 17
Sentence = Another Sequel
2. Episodic movie series seems episodic.
3. Closet full of the same shirt cliché.
4. Everyone gets a lapdance except Kirk. and me.
5. Starbase M. C. Escher
6. Sulu Dumbledored into being gay.
7. George Takei says Sulu would never marry an insurance salesman.
8. Uhura and Spock break up for no other reason than to set up later scene
10. Kirk and Spock have something to tell each other that neither can talk about
11. Microsoft Universal Translator. Much easier to use Siri
12. Only ship available for the task cliché.
13. (-1 sin) Swarm ship idea done better than Voyager episode The Swarm
14 Starship Ex Machina
15. (-1 sin) Spock finally learns to use "colorful metaphors"
16. Spock tracks Uhura's radioactive necklace
17. Radioactive necklace.
18. (-1 sin) Badass motorcycle stunts.
19. Using music to destroy swarm.
20. This is a very poorly designed take-off
Total Sins = 17
Sentence = Another Sequel
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Star Trek Beyond
Anaraphala’s Review: Star Trek Beyond Lens Flare
This round of the reboot series has JJ as the producer but not the director. No doubt Paramount was happy that they wouldn’t need to allocate a lens flare budget.
The movie starts out with Kirk on an alien planet. He is bringing a funny gear thing as a peace offering from another planet. This isn’t exactly a smart idea. Sure enough, the aliens are offended and Kirk is up to his knees in nasty rock trolls that look somewhat like the nice ones from Frozen. I don’t think they want to help Kirk find a wife.
Next we get a voiceover from Chris Pine. Even though my friend Ron might consider this spoilable if I had mentioned it before he had seen the movie, we are told that the members of have been uh mingling with each other and have learned to couple and break up to fit the narration. The real surprise is that Kirk doesn’t have any “encounters” in this movie.
The Big E docks at Yorktown, a weird starbase that doesn’t always know which way is “up”, but that’s not really important. Uhura tries to give Spock back a necklace, but Spock tells her to keep it. You never know when you are going to need something made out of an esoteric Vulcan mineral. Bones offers his sage advice about women, which of course in movies always comes from a single man.
The news of course is that Sulu has been Dumbledored into being Gay. Simon Pegg (Scotty) wanted to do this as a tribute to George Takei. The irony of course is that the actor who plays Spock is gay while the one who plays Sulu isn’t.
Meanwhile, Kirk is working for promotion to Admiral. I guess he finally wants to join that big party that has been going on in the Laurenthian System since the first reboot movie. Come to think of it, this could explain why the Big E has always been the only ship available in a crisis, even in the original series.
An alien ship appears. A woman starts talking and soon we seen a window for the universal translator. So now it’s a Windows app? I thought it was built into Cortana.
The woman says she needs Kirk’s help to get something off a planet in a dangerous area. The Enterprise enters the area and is quickly destroyed by a cloud of swarm ships by a dude named Krall, not to be confused with Krull, a fun movie staring Ken Marshall and which has a great James Horner score.
Most of the crew is captured including Uhura, It seems that Krall wants this gear thing that Kirk has. Him and the alien woman were of course in cahoots. The woman tells Kirk that she lured him here to save her crew. Remember, you can always trust an evil villain when he says he will let you go if you help him. Still, she doesn’t seem quite as dumb as a typical Trump supporter.
Meanwhile Scotty meets a white faced woman with black markings. Her name is Jayla. (actual fact: Her name is taken from J-Law or Jennifer Lawrence of The Hunger Games). She takes Scotty to her “house”, which is an old starship which she wants Scotty to repair.
Spock and McCoy have crash on another spot. Spock severely injured. When Bones tries to remove a piece of metal from Spock’s body he tries to distract Spock and then tells him the distraction lessens the pain. Unlike the pre-reboot Spock, this one shows us he has mastered the art of “colorful metaphor”.
Ok, by now we find out that Krall’s motive in getting the gear thing is to destroy Yorktown. For some reason he really hates the peace and harmony in the Federation. I don’t know what is wrong really. Maybe he hated the “double dumbass on you” scene from STIV. I don’t know.
I will jump ahead a little. Bones, Spock, Kirk, Sulu are in Jayla’s “house” thanks to Mr. Scott fixing the transporter. Now we come to one of the two “set ups”. Mr. Scott need some way of finding the rest of the crew, you know like using sensors to find someone wearing a Vulcan necklace, which I mentioned earlier. Remember, only the good guys get to set things up.
The next set up is a tape of the Beastie Boys which Spock refers to as “classical”. OK. Just one question. Did the producers of this movie have to pay royalties for this? I mean, considering that in the 24th century all current music should be in public domain, unless Disney once again pushes to extend copyrights
.
This matters because Kirk needs a way to disrupt the swarm ships and this turns out to be the perfect choice. So Beastie Boys become the 24th century equivalent of “Puberty Love” or the “death music” from Mars Attacks?
We finally figure out what is wrong with Krall. He was upset because Kahn and Adm. Marcus were defeated in the last movie. This is a guy that would think the Klingons and Romulans were way too pacifist.
Well here we are again. Kirk realizes admirals don’t get to meet alien women. Spock and Uhura make up and get ready for the hot “finger touching scene” coming in the next movie. Bones once again goes into a rant about deadly space germs, hostile aliens, dogs and cats living together.
Next time: Star Trek: The Search for the Profits
This round of the reboot series has JJ as the producer but not the director. No doubt Paramount was happy that they wouldn’t need to allocate a lens flare budget.
The movie starts out with Kirk on an alien planet. He is bringing a funny gear thing as a peace offering from another planet. This isn’t exactly a smart idea. Sure enough, the aliens are offended and Kirk is up to his knees in nasty rock trolls that look somewhat like the nice ones from Frozen. I don’t think they want to help Kirk find a wife.
Next we get a voiceover from Chris Pine. Even though my friend Ron might consider this spoilable if I had mentioned it before he had seen the movie, we are told that the members of have been uh mingling with each other and have learned to couple and break up to fit the narration. The real surprise is that Kirk doesn’t have any “encounters” in this movie.
The Big E docks at Yorktown, a weird starbase that doesn’t always know which way is “up”, but that’s not really important. Uhura tries to give Spock back a necklace, but Spock tells her to keep it. You never know when you are going to need something made out of an esoteric Vulcan mineral. Bones offers his sage advice about women, which of course in movies always comes from a single man.
The news of course is that Sulu has been Dumbledored into being Gay. Simon Pegg (Scotty) wanted to do this as a tribute to George Takei. The irony of course is that the actor who plays Spock is gay while the one who plays Sulu isn’t.
Meanwhile, Kirk is working for promotion to Admiral. I guess he finally wants to join that big party that has been going on in the Laurenthian System since the first reboot movie. Come to think of it, this could explain why the Big E has always been the only ship available in a crisis, even in the original series.
An alien ship appears. A woman starts talking and soon we seen a window for the universal translator. So now it’s a Windows app? I thought it was built into Cortana.
The woman says she needs Kirk’s help to get something off a planet in a dangerous area. The Enterprise enters the area and is quickly destroyed by a cloud of swarm ships by a dude named Krall, not to be confused with Krull, a fun movie staring Ken Marshall and which has a great James Horner score.
Most of the crew is captured including Uhura, It seems that Krall wants this gear thing that Kirk has. Him and the alien woman were of course in cahoots. The woman tells Kirk that she lured him here to save her crew. Remember, you can always trust an evil villain when he says he will let you go if you help him. Still, she doesn’t seem quite as dumb as a typical Trump supporter.
Meanwhile Scotty meets a white faced woman with black markings. Her name is Jayla. (actual fact: Her name is taken from J-Law or Jennifer Lawrence of The Hunger Games). She takes Scotty to her “house”, which is an old starship which she wants Scotty to repair.
Spock and McCoy have crash on another spot. Spock severely injured. When Bones tries to remove a piece of metal from Spock’s body he tries to distract Spock and then tells him the distraction lessens the pain. Unlike the pre-reboot Spock, this one shows us he has mastered the art of “colorful metaphor”.
Ok, by now we find out that Krall’s motive in getting the gear thing is to destroy Yorktown. For some reason he really hates the peace and harmony in the Federation. I don’t know what is wrong really. Maybe he hated the “double dumbass on you” scene from STIV. I don’t know.
I will jump ahead a little. Bones, Spock, Kirk, Sulu are in Jayla’s “house” thanks to Mr. Scott fixing the transporter. Now we come to one of the two “set ups”. Mr. Scott need some way of finding the rest of the crew, you know like using sensors to find someone wearing a Vulcan necklace, which I mentioned earlier. Remember, only the good guys get to set things up.
The next set up is a tape of the Beastie Boys which Spock refers to as “classical”. OK. Just one question. Did the producers of this movie have to pay royalties for this? I mean, considering that in the 24th century all current music should be in public domain, unless Disney once again pushes to extend copyrights
.
This matters because Kirk needs a way to disrupt the swarm ships and this turns out to be the perfect choice. So Beastie Boys become the 24th century equivalent of “Puberty Love” or the “death music” from Mars Attacks?
We finally figure out what is wrong with Krall. He was upset because Kahn and Adm. Marcus were defeated in the last movie. This is a guy that would think the Klingons and Romulans were way too pacifist.
Well here we are again. Kirk realizes admirals don’t get to meet alien women. Spock and Uhura make up and get ready for the hot “finger touching scene” coming in the next movie. Bones once again goes into a rant about deadly space germs, hostile aliens, dogs and cats living together.
Next time: Star Trek: The Search for the Profits
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Life is Strange continued
Some spoilers
Episode 5 brings us to the very heartbreaking end of the game. I am reminded of The Cold Equations, a classic science fiction story that involves a tragic sacrifice you know is coming. Even though you cannot change story, there are those readers who attempt to mitigate the impact by pointing out the logical flaws of the premise. When I get to the end of Life is Strange, I want to negotiate with reality for a better choice then the ones I have. This shows how well the game has involved me in the story.
Episode 5 brings us to the very heartbreaking end of the game. I am reminded of The Cold Equations, a classic science fiction story that involves a tragic sacrifice you know is coming. Even though you cannot change story, there are those readers who attempt to mitigate the impact by pointing out the logical flaws of the premise. When I get to the end of Life is Strange, I want to negotiate with reality for a better choice then the ones I have. This shows how well the game has involved me in the story.
However there are a few flaws in this otherwise perfect game. There is a lack of the obvious 3rd alternative. If there has to be a sacrifice, why can't Max be the one to make it? There is the segment where we find the bad guy clearly has graduated with dishonors from the James Bond School of Talking Villians. Then there is the tedious stealth sequence that reminds you "its only a game". Still, Life is Strange is a great game you will not easily forget.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Game Review: Life is Strange Dontnod, Square Enix
"Activate the Omega 13"
Max Caufield is an ordinary 18 year old attending Blackwell Academy. After witnessing a shooting in the girl's restroom, she finds herself back in her photography class, before the shooting. Max discovers she can rewind time.
The time rewind mechanic is interesting eve if occasionally inconsistent. Basically, you retain objects you've found, even if you've undone the segment of time you are in. Also, rewinding time doesn't change your physical location. This allows you to avoid some obstacles and to prevent some things that have already happened. However, be prepared for moments when your power simply doesn't work, no doubt to avoid a cheap resolution to a crisis.
Life is Strange comes in 5 episodes, which can be purchased individually or as a complete set for PC, XBOX, PS3, PS4, XBOX ONE. The graphics are, good ever though the lip syncing is somewhat off. What shines is the story. You become involved with Max as she struggles to use her powers to help her friends, especially Chloe as she deals with her stepfather and Nathan, an angry rich kid who would have killed Chloe were it not for Max. Even though you can undo some of the choices you make. Decisions do have consequences and of course with great power...
The later episodes take on a darker tone, and it becomes apparent that perhaps
Max has taken on more than her deus ex machina powers can deal with. Although Life is Strange is not science fiction themed, fans of will appreciate the scifi elements taken from The Butterfly Effect and similar movies.
Max Caufield is an ordinary 18 year old attending Blackwell Academy. After witnessing a shooting in the girl's restroom, she finds herself back in her photography class, before the shooting. Max discovers she can rewind time.
The time rewind mechanic is interesting eve if occasionally inconsistent. Basically, you retain objects you've found, even if you've undone the segment of time you are in. Also, rewinding time doesn't change your physical location. This allows you to avoid some obstacles and to prevent some things that have already happened. However, be prepared for moments when your power simply doesn't work, no doubt to avoid a cheap resolution to a crisis.
Life is Strange comes in 5 episodes, which can be purchased individually or as a complete set for PC, XBOX, PS3, PS4, XBOX ONE. The graphics are, good ever though the lip syncing is somewhat off. What shines is the story. You become involved with Max as she struggles to use her powers to help her friends, especially Chloe as she deals with her stepfather and Nathan, an angry rich kid who would have killed Chloe were it not for Max. Even though you can undo some of the choices you make. Decisions do have consequences and of course with great power...
The later episodes take on a darker tone, and it becomes apparent that perhaps
Max has taken on more than her deus ex machina powers can deal with. Although Life is Strange is not science fiction themed, fans of will appreciate the scifi elements taken from The Butterfly Effect and similar movies.
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