Here we have a movie that steals from The Hunger Games, Ender’s Game, Game of Thorns, and even The Dating game (I‘d be surprised if Hello Kitty isn’t in there somewhere too), all mixed together in a way that will make you
Regurgent
It started after the big war between somebody and somebody and maybe even somebody else over something and something. The “children’s” books about a dystopian future to teach life sux were written. The Hungry Games world got some of the action. Queesyium of course got California. We took Chicago because it was all the movie budget would permit. We could have had Detroit or Cleveland cheaper but we weren’t that desperate.
Society is divided into five groups (the good news, no Democrats or Republicans), why I don’t know. Abrogast apparently were former tennis players. They like to serve. Kandus like to watch Court Tv (or was that playing Rock em Sock em Robots), Vomity are the peace makers, Eurotrash, are smart, and Dumbness are our protectors. Who thought up this crap or why the opening exposition has to be so long I cannot say.
Before the selection came the test. Apparently I didn’t get enough time to study for it.
Torid: Ok drink this stuff
Trix: What is it?
Torid: it’s a drug that gives you a vision that is the test. I can watch it on this screen.
Trix: You going to watch me get stoned. Woah
Torid; No this helps you select which faction you will join
Trix: Really. You mean it’s like a Sorting Hat?
Torrid: Yes but you won’t wind up in Griffindor.
Trix: Dang, I have a thing for Ron Weasley
Torrid: I have a thing for Hermione Oh no. That means you are Regurgant. Don’t ever tell anyone
Trix: Why not?
Torrid: Don’t ask
Trix: Why not?
Torrid: I wish I knew
Meannie Batyou: Hello and welcome to this year’s Hunger Ga.. Uh Selection. Due to a recent snafu I must remind candidates once again that Griffondor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff factions will not be available. Also, even though I am a generic cut-and-paste Mega bi$#h character, please don’t refer to me as the Evil Queen, or Maleficent. Even I wouldn’t mess with Disney. Once again Vomity wishes to remind prospective candidates that they aren’t the Vomity with Sherrif Brody and the shark,
To save time will Trix Buyer please select
Trix: I choose Dumbness
Statler: Like the movie audience did when they bought a ticket to this bomb
Waldorf: Yes
Both; BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAHHHHHHH
Trix so why is this group called Dumbness?
Earache: Ok everybody jump off this moving train and down the rabbit hole,
Trix: You didn’t answer my question
Earache: Yes I did. That’s 10 points for Slytherin
Bore: Ok I am your instructor
Trix: What is the point?
Bore: Of your training?
Trix: No this movie
Earache: Since you were your drill thrall beat you up and hospitalized you cannot play the game
Trix: What game? Global Thermonuclear War?
Earache: No that’s too wimpy for us.
Bore: She did make it here
Earache: Ok choose a weapon
Trix: Ill take the clown mask.
Earche: That’s not a weapon
Trix: This isn’t a movie.
Bore: You did great. Congratulations you’re in. Now you will take a test to face your worst fear
Trix: American Idol?
Bore: Here you go
Trix: This is my worst fear? Alfred Hitchcock movies? I admit this movie is for the birds but.. Now I am in a tank filling up with water,
Bore: How did you do that? Wait you’re Regurgant. You must lean to do it like a Dumbness
Trix: How would that be?
Bore: As stupidly as possible
Carob: What are you doing here?
Trix: I come to see my brother. What’s wrong with that? Besides, something strange is going on.
Carob: How can you tell?
Trix: The Eurotrash are planning to kill the Abrogast and take over the government
Carob: What else, same old routine.
Putter: We are going to like totally gonna kill you
Trix: Why?
Owl: Well, because you did so well in the exercise
Droog: Yes like no good deed goes unpunished
Bore: You will not kill her?
Putter: Why not
Bore: We need her for the rest of the movie, stupid
Owl: I forgot
Bore: Come I will show you my fears
Trix: You can like do that? Wouldn’t a Vulcan Mind Meld make more sense?
Bore: Stop that. You’re thinking like a Regugent again.
Trix: Ok Eurotrash are using mind control to make Dumbness kill Abrogast. We have to act like we are under control.
Bore: We are. We are controlled by this ^%$% script
Earache: GET THEM. THEY’RE REGURGANT
Bore: No we’re not, uh we’re just written this way.
Meanie: Well we finally have Bore under control
Bore: I must kill Trix
Meanie: See, have a nice day.
Trix: But we love each other,
Bore: I must kill Trix
Trix: Sorry but I have to use your secret fear against you. READ THE SCRIPT
Bore: NOOOO it’s the result of bad writing. Whoever did this screenplay should be shot.
Trix: And now your turn, Meanie. You will stop the mind control program and delete it,
Meannie: You think your some kind of Jedi?
Trix: Yes. Why not? Haven’t we stolen from a bunch of other movies?
Meannie: Do you know what you’ve done?
Trix: I’ve kept you from taking over the world.
Meannie: No, the audience. Without the mind control the audience will know how awful this movie is and leave.
We jumped back onto the train, mainly because we don’t know where the station is. As the sun leaves Dumbness and our train sinks slowly in the West there is one thought on our minds, “Whats that about a new Harry Potter story? Can we get part in the inevitable movie instead of the sequel of this turkey?
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