Anaraphala’s Movie Mayhem: Star Wars: The Last Jedi*
(* Uh huh )
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Hey guys, Anaraphla here with The Last Jedi, well it’s the last one until Lucasfilm/Disney determines if they can get us to pay to see another movie. You kind of get the idea that this is going to be like the Final Fantasy series, that hasn’t been final yet.
Ok. Apparently the Disorder has inexplicably survived the previous movie. I mean, Capt. Phasma ran out of chrome polish and the whole place blew up because putting a sun inside a planet just wasn’t smart to begin with. Messing with a sun didn’t work very well in Star Trek: Generations, did it?
So the bad guys show up. Poe Damron has this crazy plan to blow up this big enemy ship. Poe tries to have a conversation with General Hux as a distraction. Hux has eloquence of Donald Trump or Kim Jong Un, while Poe obviously wants someone intelligent to talk to.
A bomber tries to drop its bombs on the enemy ship. Of course stuff goes wrong and although the enemy destroyer is blown up, the bomber along with the pilot is destroyed as well. Poe is later demoted for wasting the pyrotechnics budget of the movie. The remaining Resistance ships escape into hyperspace.
On the Back Order ship, Snoke decides to mop the floor with General Hux. Well, the floor was dirty. Dr. Evil then tells Scott that he is not evil enough to be his son, and tells him his Vader helmet isn’t licenced, and is stupid. Kylo has another tantrum, but only destroys the helmet. You will remember after his last tantrum the only reason Disney didn’t send Kylo a bill for the damages was that the place was to be blown up anyway.
Now we are on the planet where the last movie ends. Luke totally ruins the dramatic mood by tossing the lightsaber over his shoulder. Luke has a tantrum over his part in this movie and locks himself in his room. However, Chewie is good at opening doors.
I have to mention here (in case you forgot) this is a Disney movie. There are these cutesy wide-eyed ferret things called Porg (not Borg, thank goodness). Shameless merchandising? Of course. What I haven’t figured out is how Disney allowed these not-so-cute animals with several exposed mamaries that dispense some kind of green milk. Come on, pressurized nipples?
Well it seems the Out of Order can track the Resistance through hyperspace. (This was actually foreshadowed in Star Trek by the phrase “Resistance is Futile”)
However, the bad dudes don’t get so close they could end the movie. Why not? Reasons. Kylo in a TIE fighter targets the ship his mother Leia is on, but decides not to fire. Some else does however and Leia is blown into space.
It is here composer John Williams switches to his Superman theme, and Leia yells "I'm Mary Poppins Y'all and Yondus her way to safety. Yes, I know Leia can use the Force. She picked a great time to go from force neophyte to Yoda level mastery, but why hasn’t she used her powers before? If you think I was going to let this slide, you don’t know me very well.
Back on the planet Ahchoo (Its Ahch-To, but you know) Rey starts to feel a connection to Kylo. She even gets to see him with without his shirt. I don't know. Maybe Kylo would have a chance with Rey if he wasn't a Sith. R2D2 uses some recycled footage from A New Hope to convince Luke to help
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On the ship Admiral Holdover (Laura Dern) takes over while Leia takes a nap. Dern looks like she had a really bad hair color experience, but I have seen worse. Finn decided this would be a good time to test an escape pod. A woman named Rose decided to test her taser and bring Finn back to the movie. (If I have to do this movie, you have to do it) Together they come up with a convoluted plan to get on the Previous Order ship and turn off the tracking device.
After lamenting his acting career, Luke starts to train Rey. He has her close her eyes and asks her if she can feel the force, She says she does. Luke is tickling her with a branch. Luke then tells Rey that this is the only planet where this would not be considered sexual harassment by the authorities. Later Rey drops down into this room she feels the Dark Side. She wants to know who she is, but instead of answer she finds herself in a place that looks like the faction test from Divergent.
Finn, Rose and BB8 arrive at this place that looks like some of the Las Vegas scenes from CSI. They are looking for a code breaker. They are thrown in jail for littering but escapes with the help of a dude who says he can breaks codes. (Am I the only one who wonders why this dude is in jail if he could escape)
Dern starts to move everyone into shuttles for evacuation. Poe thinks this is a stupid idea and tries to take command. Leia is back and stops Poe. He then finds out everyone is heading to a secret base.
Poe: Nevermind
Leia: Stupid, we had a plan.
Poe: I didn’t know.
Holdover: Thats what you get for missing staff meetings.
Poe: I wasn’t invited.
Holdover: Precisely.
Back on Achoo, Rey leaves on the Falcon. (Warning: librarians may be upset by this next scene) Luke is upset with his acting career and decides to burn the tree containing the Jedi books. Yoda appears and tells Luke the books are out of date and everything Rey needs can be found on the Internet, Yoda then destroys the tree with a lightening bolt.
Rey finally faces Kylo (with his shirt on) and appears before Snoke. We are sort of doing the similar scene from Return of the Jedi. Snoke tells Rey she is a filthy Mudblood and Kylo kills Snoke.. They both kill the guards. Wearing red is no safer on Star Wars than Star Trek.
Finn and Rose are predictably betrayed by the theif. Next time you need a hacker, be sure they are white hat. With the main ship evacuated, Dern, redoing one of the last scenes from Prometheus, engages main drive and flies through the Lost Order ship. Rey escapes and BB8 earns -10 Cinemasins for extreme badassery
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On the planet, the Resistance prepares for an assault by the remaining bad guys. Finn and Rose try to take out this cannon by flying into it. Rose stops Finn from sacrificing his life. She says we should fight to save the ones we love. Sorry about the rest of you losers. Really though its just a “will she survive?” setup.
So Luke faces Kylo using a Force hologram. He dies, thankful there will be no more movies for him. Rey saves everyone with the Falcon and on the Las Vagas planet a young boy talks about the kool ring he got from the Cracker Jacks box.
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