Before this movie, I knew nothing about J.J. Abrams. Now I can definitely say his Star Trek movie is so much better than if it were created by Tim Burton, or David Lynch; unless you really wanted James T. Kirk and the Chocolate Factory with Shatner voicing the ooopa loompa songs.
The good news is that the franchise wasn’t rebooted because Disney bought the franchise and Berman and Braga couldn’t get the rights to the old movies away from Paramount. Someone just thought it would be a good idea to exorcise the spirit of the late Gene Roddenbery from the franchise.
The movie begins in the past (still our future) on the USS Kelvin. A bunch of stuff is happening here. A female crew member is about the give birth. The Kelvinator is attacked by someone named Nero*. Not only is Nero not a nice guy, his timing sux. He wants revenge on Old Ambassador Spock, who won’t be around until the present (our future again). Doesn’t matter. Nero kills the Kelvin captain and George Kirk is about to ram Nero’s ship to provide cover for the escaping shuttles. In an interesting note, the shuttle carrying the preggers Ms. Kirk is exiting the Kelvin’s launch tube at exactly the same moment our hero is exiting Ms. Kirk‘s launch tube.
(* Nero is a popular villain name, beating out Caligula and Garland by a clear 50 to 1 margin)
In the next scene we have 10-year-old James T Kirk racing vintage Mustang down a dirt road at Ludicrous Speed with a cop in chase on a futuristic hover cycle. The road ends in at a large pit. Kirk bails in time, but a Mr. Fusion and a hover conversion would have really come in handy. No CGI gravel pits were harmed in the filming of this movie.
A Star Trek reviewer often commented that ever since Berman and Braga took over the Trek franchise that the portrayal of Vulcans on the various series has suddenly been less than favorable. First on Deep Space Nine some Vulcan kids allegedly steal Nog’s homework, because they have no ethics. On the series Enterprise there is Ambassador Pointy, who is always a pain. Then of course there was the Mind Meld Disease episode, which in case you didn’t figure it out, you were told it was about AIDS. Just one question, was taunting of Spock something that was part of training or are boys the same all over. My guess is that they were jealous that Spock’s dad married Wynona Ryder.**
(**To be fair, being a teenage boy on Vulcan isn’t that much fun. Even though there are plenty of hotties to go around, having to be unemotional about it all, except for once every 7 years, really is a bummer.)
Chris Pine makes a reasonable James T Kirk, although it is rather obvious he comes from the Tom Cruise “Maverick” school of acting. (Which I suppose is better than the Larry Storch school of acting) Kirk is a hotshot and incidentally voted most likely to catch “Space Herpies” by his senior class at Iowa Cornbelt High School. (pronounced I- O- Way) Apparently though, the qualifications for entrance to Starfleet Academy are as tight as the famed Starfleet Security. Kirk just parks his motorcycle, hands the guard his keys sand is set to go.
It is here Kirk meets Leonard “Bones” McCoy. Needless to say, considering the the risk of space herpies mentioned above, it is a beneficial friendship, as we will see in a bit. To say McCoy is a bit anxious about leaving for the Academy is like saying a Ferrengi is greedy. Actor Karl Urban later explains that McCoy was just upset that Star Trek was in the hands of the same guy that did “Lost”.
Next we see Kirk taking the infamous Kobyasha Maru Test. In the simulator, Kirk calmly eats an apple while the bad guys attack, beating the “no-win scenario”. Capt. Pike and Spock are upset, not realizing the cheat codes were available on the Internet soon after it was created.
This could have ended Kirk’s career except that Nero conveniently chose this moment in time to attack Vulcan. Starfleet sent its best ships to the Laurentian System*** and mobilized the cadets to fight the Vulcan menace. I should not have to point out that this would been like sending the US Armed Forces to Australia and mobilizing the Boy Scouts to fight the War on Terror after 9/11.
(*** The Federation Interplanetary Encyclopedia lists the “Laurentian System” as;
1. A muffler bracket for a 1953 Edsel
2. The specific style used by producer Dino De Laurentis
3. Home of the “Pan Galactic Fizzbin Tournament on Rigel 6
4. An obscure recreational facility where Starfleet ships have been known to congregate when the plot of a Star Trek episode demanded that the Enterprise be the only ship available to handle the emergency.)
Of course Kirk is not allowed to board the Enterprise so McCoy fakes a medical emergency to get Kirk on the Enterprise. In the process of giving Kirk the antidote to the doctor’s potion we find our Kirk is allergic to the antidote causing a real emergency. What no Medic Alert bracelet?
We also find out that Spock and Uhura have a something going, despite the 7 year thing, I am thinking maybe Space Neytiri is too hot even for a Vulcan to resist. Spock tries to avoid showing favoritism but he cannot deny her aural (oral?) sensitivity. You may insert the obvious pun here if you wish, but even I need to practice some restraint.
So the valiant reds…uh cadets head for Vulcan. Kirk, making a quite logical and reasonable conclusion (for Kirk), warns that it’s a trap, which it is. Nero is using a massive energy drill to bore a hole into the planet. The only way to stop the drill is to parachute down to drill. Transporters are out. As it turns out, wearing a red chute is just as bad an omen as wearing a red shirt.
Meanwhile, Nero orders Capt Pike to come to his ship in a shuttle. Those of us who have seen the TNG episode “Ensign Ro” or the Space 1999 episode “The Last Enemy” understand this would be the perfect opportunity for using “The Koenig Maneuver” , namely taking an empty shuttle filling it with Photon Torpedos, Tricobalt explosives, and using a subspace relay to simulate life signs. Yes it would end the movie real quick but maybe I like shows where the good guys win by using brain over might.
Anyway, Nero drops a bit of “Red Matter“ (notice again how the word “red“ rhymes with the “D word“ and a black hole starts to consume the planet. Failing to save his mom and Pike, Spock decides to find out what the ^%$% is going on in the Laurentian System. I have to say that in a certain DS9 episode that returning to a place of relative safety would have been the correct thing for those cadets to do. Not this time.
Kirk does not agree however, and after an altercation with Spock he is sent to a moon in an escape pod where he meets
It seems Future Spock was trying to save Romulus from its sun which was about to go nova. Spock failed and he accidentally sent him and Nero to the past. It’s a given that anyone named Nero (and definitely Caligula. Not so sure about Garland) is extremely psychotic, demented, and all that other bad stuff. Kirk of course would have had no reservations about using time travel to avert the catastrophe (17 separate temporal violations, so make it an even 18) Nero wanted Spock to see Vulcan die. We of course want to see Nero die.
So Kirk’s mission is to return to the Enterprise and take command from Spock. For this we need a little deus ex machina courtesy of Montgomery Scott, who just happens to be stationed on this ball of ice due to a mistake with a transporter and an admiral’s dog. To be sure it is a better fate than being one of the poor bastards in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King who has to sit on the hilltops, just in case they are needed to light the signal fire. I don‘t want to know what they did to deserve such a “choice“ assignment..
Anyway, Kirk, Mr. Scott, and a guy with a Gem Hadar mask beam into the Enterprise’s brewery. (BREWERY? WHAT THE… SHUT UP, This is a movie) Kirk rescues Mr Scott from the Sushi machine. They are of course arrested and brought before Spock. Kirk convinces Spock that he is emotionally compromised and takes command. You can just imagine how thrilled everyone is.
So with Spock’s help, Kirk saves Earth, rescues Pike and serves Nero some just desserts. So once again, for violating regulations and gross cheating Kirk is made Captain and is given command of the Enteprise.
(Probability 12342 to one against, 9875 to one against, 100 to one against. 100%. Normality restored. Btw the armed photon torpedo in my living room became a talking raccoon, got a movie contract and vanished)
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